I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
