sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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