I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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