I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
