god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
