I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
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it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.