you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
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everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions