it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
