i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"