Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.