dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.