yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
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So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.