is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
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we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
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I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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