My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
