Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
