Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
