The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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