You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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