Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
