the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
