I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
