Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
