God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
