There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
