We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
3pm strippers are depressing
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
