So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
