Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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