oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
