At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
