Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
