I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
