I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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