I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
