GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
