we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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