I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i dont even know how to be here
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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