Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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