i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
