I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
