Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
