oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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