The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
