I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
