I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
