I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
