We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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