Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
