oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
