Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize