Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
