All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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