Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.