He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
