The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
