I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
