Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
