How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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