My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
