Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
