why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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