oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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