I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
