Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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